FAIRHOPE, AL — The first Fairhope resident to complain about early Christmas music has been named fictional grand marshal of the city’s tree lighting after demonstrating what organizers called exceptional seasonal vigilance.
Gerald “Not Yet” Tidings earned the honor Monday when he heard three notes from a downtown speaker, stopped walking and delivered a detailed objection before the fourth note arrived.
“It was November,” Tidings said. “November has rights.”
Witnesses said his response included historical context, a proposed amendment to the calendar and a diagram showing the proper location of Thanksgiving between Halloween and Christmas.
A distinguished record of objection
The imaginary Selection Committee for Ceremonial Complaining praised Tidings for maintaining the traditional Fairhope balance between attending every event and questioning when it should occur.
“A grand marshal must represent the community,” said fictional chair Merry Counterpoint. “Gerald has complained about holiday music, traffic, parking, the lack of parking and the people who complain about parking.”
Tidings insists Christmas music should begin only after Thanksgiving dinner, once dishes are washed and the final relative has backed out of the driveway.
He also believes public caroling should require a permit if it contains bells audible from a residential side street.
Preparations already complete
Despite his objections, Tidings acknowledged that he has completed 80 percent of his Christmas shopping.
His outdoor lights are installed, though he emphasized they are “being tested.” Matching family pajamas have been purchased but remain in a neutral holding pattern inside a labeled storage bin.
“Preparation is not celebration,” he said. “I can own a twelve-foot inflatable nutcracker without endorsing its deployment.”
Committee members were further impressed by Tidings’ ability to identify holiday songs within their opening half-second.
During auditions, he correctly objected to sleigh bells, a children’s choir and what turned out to be keys jingling in a parking lot.
Parade route includes quiet zone
As grand marshal, Tidings will ride through downtown wearing ceremonial noise-canceling earmuffs and carrying a red folder containing his objections.
The parade route will include a designated quiet zone where spectators may contemplate whether it is too early.
At the tree-lighting ceremony, Tidings will flip the switch while saying, “I still think we could have waited.”
Organizers expect the moment to unite residents who love Christmas with residents who love explaining the correct time to love Christmas.
At press time, Tidings had approved the honor provisionally but requested that his title remain “grand marshal-elect” until after Thanksgiving.
He then left to purchase additional extension cords before the seasonal rush.