FAIRHOPE, AL — Fairhope’s fictional Department of Procedural Reassurance asked the Planning Commission this week to approve an ALDI plat it had already approved, explaining that a second approval would provide valuable confirmation that the first approval had indeed been approving.
The item returned as old business after commissioners unanimously supported an earlier version in October.
“We have the original yes,” said imaginary procedural coordinator Paige Again. “What we need now is a supporting yes that establishes the first yes was not a clerical enthusiasm.”
Commissioners reviewed the same corner, the same grocery store and several lines that appeared to remain where they had been during the previous vote.
Two lots become five
The earlier agenda described two lots. The new description contained five units, prompting staff to explain that the land had not multiplied so much as become more thoroughly counted.
“This is common in planning,” Again said. “A property can have one address, two lots, five units and six separate reasons to return next month.”
One commissioner asked whether approving five units would invalidate the previous approval of two. Staff said both approvals could coexist peacefully as long as nobody attempted to use them without a surveyor present.
A large approval stamp was placed beside the smaller approval stamp already on file. The two stamps were then initialed by separate departments.
Receipt available upon request
To prevent future uncertainty, the commission considered installing a grocery-style receipt printer beside the voting console.
Each approved motion would produce a paper record listing the project, conditions, vote total and loyalty points earned toward the applicant’s next appearance.
Projects receiving three approvals within twelve months would qualify for express review, defined as a regular review with a shorter PowerPoint.
“Development is moving quickly,” said fictional commissioner Stan D. Motion. “Sometimes the safest response is to approve the same thing until it stops moving.”
The proposal also includes a new question at the end of every vote: ARE YOU SURE? Commissioners selecting yes would be asked whether they are sure they are sure.
Final approval, provisionally
The plat passed again with conditions that all prior conditions remain conditioned upon any conditions added during subsequent consideration.
Staff cautioned that the vote should not be interpreted as the final final approval. That distinction is reserved for documents labeled FINAL in capital letters and dated after the most recent document labeled FINAL.
The applicant thanked commissioners and asked whether the project should return in December.
Again said staff would review the matter and place that review on an upcoming agenda for approval.
At press time, the commission had approved the minutes describing the meeting at which it approved the minutes describing the first approval.
No one spoke in opposition, although one resident asked whether the store could approve his grocery list twice so he would stop forgetting olive oil.