FAIRHOPE, AL — An unofficial committee attempting to establish a definitive meaning of the word “local” has suspended its work after every proposed standard produced immediate objections from people who arrived slightly earlier than someone else.
The project began after residents noticed that “local” could describe anyone from a fifth-generation Fairhopian to a person who moved here last spring and already complains that too many people are moving here.
“We wanted a clear, objective definition,” said the committee’s fictional chair. “Unfortunately, everyone’s objective definition ends the year after they arrived.”
The residency test
An initial proposal required twenty years of continuous residence. It was opposed by residents with nineteen years of continuous residence and by several people who left for college but insist those four years should count because they complained about Birmingham the entire time.
A birthplace requirement was discarded after members determined that being born at a hospital outside the city limits did not necessarily demonstrate disloyalty.
Possible evidence of local status
- Can identify three businesses that used to occupy the same building
- Refers to a subdivision by the family who once owned the land
- Knows an alternate route that is no longer alternate
- Has attended a public meeting voluntarily
- Can pronounce Mobile without appearing to think about it
The committee next proposed a cultural examination. Applicants would be shown photographs of downtown properties and asked to explain what used to be there, why the replacement is disappointing and where they parked before it became impossible.
That plan collapsed when no two residents agreed on the correct historical stopping point.
“Fairhope was perfect when I arrived, which is how we know everyone after me changed it.”
Provisional classifications
Under the latest draft, residents would choose among Native Local, Longtime Local, Near-Local, Local for Practical Purposes and “From Here Now, Apparently.” Seasonal residents could apply for Conversational Local status after demonstrating the ability to discuss traffic without consulting a map.
Appeals would be heard by a panel composed entirely of people whose own status remains disputed.
The committee adjourned without adopting a definition. Members did, however, unanimously agree that the town has changed and that the decisive change occurred shortly after each member became established.
Until a final standard is approved, residents may continue identifying themselves as local provided no one older is standing nearby.
How local are you?
Please answer using the name of a business that closed before 1998.