Fairhope’s supply of right angles entered a period of uncertainty this week after Nini Squares announced in an entirely invented scenario that the city’s square-slice era had reached its final corner.
The news left residents confronting a future in which pizza may arrive circular, be cut triangularly and offer no structurally superior corner piece.
“A triangle tells you where to start,” said local diner Rhonda Pie. “A square lets you make your own decisions.”
A geometrical emergency
Officials urged calm while mapping the nearest known source of square pizza. Early estimates place it somewhere across the Bay, requiring villagers to pack water, charge their phones and prepare for Mobile traffic.
A preservation group has proposed saving the last square slice beneath protective glass. Critics questioned whether the cheese would remain historically accurate after refrigeration.
Downtown merchants are already adapting. One boutique has introduced a commemorative four-corner tote bag, while a local architect offered to review round pizzas for compatibility with the city’s traditional grid.
Residents holding loyalty cards have been advised not to panic. In the event square slices become extinct, each punch may be converted into one-sixteenth of a circle, subject to availability and a basic understanding of fractions.
Four corners. One crisis.
More Main Street news awaits.